 |
If you have
set yourself on fire, do not run. |
 |
If you spot
terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin
Diesel, yell really loud. |
 |
If you spot a
terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder. |
 |
If you are
sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it
instead of seeing a doctor. |
 |
Use your
flashlight to lift the walls right off of you! |
 |
To eliminate
smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless
hand under a faucet with no sink. |
 |
Michael
Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal
with scary eyes, run away now. |
 |
People,
animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of
being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex. |
 |
Be on the
lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they
tend to rub their hands together manically. |
 |
If a door is
closed, karate chop it open.
|
 |
If your
building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga
postures. |
 |
Try to absorb
as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region.
The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds. |
 |
After
exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you
may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head. |
 |
If you've
become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand,
remember to close the window. No one wants to see that. |
 |
If you hear
the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio,
cower in the corner or run like hell. |
 |
Your
respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them
aside if you feel you no longer need them. |
 |
If you are
trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not
farting. |
 |
Survive a
biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your
knees, then rolling over and playing dead. |
 |
Do not drive
a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the
hood. |
 |
A one-inch
thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection
against radiation. |
 |
No
pyromaniacs admitted. |
 |
A quick
family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist
attack may became a treasured family keepsake that will
preserve precious memories for years to come. |
 |
That closet
door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go
there. |
 |
The middle of
a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on
your reading or paperwork. |
 |
If you see
colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke
yourself. Girls go for that. |
 |
If your
intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling
over and watching the cool light show. |
 |
If the
weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the
grass. |
 |
After all
life is gone, modern appliances will continue to run
forever. Think about it. |
 |
Your
telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone
with no numbers on it. |
 |
"Wash
your hands" of traditional long distance telephone
providers. |
 |
Only the
coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the
'underground' rave in the shelter. |
 |
In case of
emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty
item. |
 |
In time of
war, real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or
poultry, please. |
 |
There is a
reason you failed chemistry. |
 |
Watch out for
people who come out of white tents and try to steal the
shirt off your back. |
 |
If you are
trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your
final moments with shadow puppets. |
 |
Radioactive
materials come in 4 convenient sizes:
- individual dose
- family value size
- neighborhood spray pump size
- supersize! |
 |
Satellite
photos of Texas show the large embarrassing radioactive crop
circle in Southeast Texas. |
 |
When the
looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio.
Here we have a few examples of high value, low effort. |
This parody site was built
for fun. For the serious stuff, see http://www.ready.gov
|
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